Menjelang hari konvo, masing-masing memang tak sabar dan excited nak berkonvo. Tempah baju baru, beli kasut baru, tudung baru, dan booking hotel untuk keluarga yang akan hadir merai. Bagi majoriti pelajar Malaysia, majlis konvokesyen memang satu big deal bagi mereka, termasuklah aku sebelum ini.
Sehinggakan ke saat akhir aku masih berharap aku boleh balik Malaysia untuk menghadiri majlis konvokesyen aku (walaupun aku dah announce awal-awal kat FB yang aku tak akan balik konvo. Hipokrit! hahaha). Majlis konvokesyen aku adalah pada esok hari, iaitu Selasa 18 April 2017, dan semalam, iaitu hari ahad, tiba-tiba datang gila aku nak balik Malaysia sebab nak konvo. Gila kan?
Gila tapi possible okeh! Aku hampir buktikannya semalam. Aku hampir booking tiket MAS balik Malaysia. Duit dah bukan jadi soal kerana tiba-tiba ramai pula yang nak sponsor tiket aku pergi balik. Member baik aku pun dah bagi kata janji nak tolong bayarkan yuran konvo, bagi pinjam printer untuk print document dan bagi pinjam kereta dia untuk aku settle urusan ambil jubah di UiTM. Member aku siap bagi rumah dia kalau aku perlu tumpang bermalam or berehat. Aku pun dah contact staff konvo tanya boleh ke aku bayar last minit dan puan tu kata boleh! Kalau ikutkan semua hampir menjadi kenyataan tinggal nak tunggu aku confirm bayar flight booking je. Aku dah siap packing luggage okeh! I even dah fikir sampai KLIA pagi ni jam 6.30am, I will take a cab to Shah Alam and everything will be alright.
Tapi entah kenapa aku dok tengok flight booking tu dari pagi sampai ke petang dan dok fikir nak balik ke tak, nak balik ke tak. Tinggal satu step sahaja lagi untuk aku confirmkan booking aku. Just one more click. Nombor kad kredit memang dah save, detail aku semua dah complete. Tinggal nak click je......
"What so big deal about convo?"
"Its just a convo"
Some of my friends asked.
While some others simply asked me to go for it.
"Go dayah go! Its once in a lifetime!"
"Not everyday you got ANC, not everyday you can wear the selempang pink."
"You work hard for 4 years for that selempang pink. Come back home and wear it!!"
Even my mom suddenly ask me to come back.
"Balik kitorang tunggu kat airport"
So I gave Jejuw as my excuse but my mom said,
"Bawa budak kenit tu sekali"
...and my dad pun sama menambah,
"mama tanggung tambang Jejuw, abah tanggung tiket Dayah"
"Malam ni terbang ke KL dan 20/4 terbang balik Melb"
"buat surat mohon cuti satu hari (for jejuw)"
... and i was like, Whaaaaaat...!
Of course lah its not possible kan. Jejuw memang tak suka dan taknak skip her school. Knowing her, at some point or another, she is like a mini me. I never skip class, so did she. Plus, she said, she`s not in the mood of taking a long flight, kate nye.
So i said no. It final. Nop. I am not going back for my convo. Full Stop. End. That`s it. Haha!
Pun begitu, my dad cakap lagi lepas tu,
"Next flight ada lagi kalau nak balik"
Arghhhh! LOL! Tak tahu aku nak describe macam mana perasaan aku malam tadi. Hati aku berbelah bagi tapi akhirnya aku stick to my decision: I AM NOT GOING BACK FOR MY CONVO.
So, what holding me back?
Sepanjang malam aku dok fikir, apa yang holding me back from buying that flight ticket. I am just one more step to make it come true. I just need to click confirm to pay my booking. Thats all i need that time. Only one click. Then i can take my luggage to airport and i will be in Shah Alam now (barang dah siap packed, remember?).
Siapa kenal aku tahu lah yang i always known for making a crazy decision. But not this time. Surprisingly, i am surprise with myself too.
Yes, convo is a big deal for me.
Yes, selempang pink is what i desire most masa studi dulu (and i finally got a chance to wear it tomorrow)
Yes, i really want to be on the stage with my name being called loudly as "penerima anugerah naib chancelor"
Yes, i really want to sit on my seat number, A31, among other first honours (there are 4 of us. I am the only girl BTW).
Yes, i want to meet my lecturers.
Yes, i want to meet my course mates.
Yes, i REALLY WANT to go back to attend my convo.
I can`t lie. I am DYING to go back.
But there`s something holding me back.
Something that i don`t feel comfortable leaving it behind all of sudden and such in a rush. I don`t know what it was, but now i do.
Woking up this morning, with my husband`s warm hug, looked him getting ready for work, listened to my daughter`s mumbling, watched her gedik act, prepared them breakfast, and we all had a hot chocolate together, i almost forgot that i miss the flight last night. For once i felt blessed. I felt its all worth it.
It`s worth to miss my convo. After all, what`s the point of convo tanpa these 2 people (although i felt sorry for my parent. I think they hope to see me on the stage too).
My husband support me what ever my decision is. Even aku menggedik kejap nak balik kejap taknak balik, dia ok je.
My daughter, she prefer me to stay. She don`t like the idea of me leaving her behind dengan esok her school start after 2 weeks holiday nya. She want me to stay but she don`t force me to stay either.
So my family is not the push or the pull factor. But they are the reason why i stay. I don`t like the idea of traveling alone and celebrating my success 6,435km away from them. It sound selfish. They were beside me throughout 4 years of suffering (literally), so why do i need to celebrate the result without them?
I also don`t like the idea of impulse decision (yea, surprise, surprise!). I don`t like the idea of rushing in something that big. Perhaps that what makes me felt unease and stopped me from clicking the confirm button. Its different from all other crazy things i had done before. Its not the same. Or probably my value has changed. I don`t know. I just don`t feel comfortable about it anymore.
I may still have some regret (til now!) for not taking the flight back and show up at my convo day. Its hurt even more when i see all those convo post in my FB. You guys look stunning and incredibly happy with that jubah and mortar. I guess its just a phase that i need to face. Oh well, it will go away. Probably with a couple of delicious meal and a brand new winter jacket.
And a pair of nice shoes too.
And lotsa Bunderberg... and maybe another road trip? hahaha!
Shopping trip for today for sure.
It will go away.
N. Hida Halim
Carlton North, Vic.
Bag dah siap, passport dah ready. Kad tunggu kena charge.
After all, the greatest reward for my 4 years hard work is the fact that i am now here, in Melbourne, as a student of The University of Melbourne, chasing my dream, with my family with me. Whats more can i ask for? Nikmat tuhan yang manakah kau nak dustakan Hida?